How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
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I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills