How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
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You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
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i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
can you read it!!??
maan!
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.