How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
You Might Also Like
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.