How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
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In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.