How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
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There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
Not recommended for beginners.
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances