How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
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i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
🤔😂😂
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!