How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
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You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.