[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
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All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.