How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
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Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
I hope this email finds you in a well
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
I wanna be friends with this person
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.