How software testing works
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THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
…..pretty much.
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
For the orator and chef in all of us
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”