“How stressed are you?”
Me:
You Might Also Like
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
This might be the funniest tweet ever
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
honestly, i need both:
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
The spelling of “bourgeoisie” was intended as yet another means of oppression
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
Meowchelangelo
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x