how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
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Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.