How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
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Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
New favorite tiktok
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
Breaking news:
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.