If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
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Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy