How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
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SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Super Hand Dog Face
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*