Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Website: Are you a robot?

Me: *sighs* Man, if only.

Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts

[forest precinct]

DETECTIVE OWL: HOO

BEAR: I dont know

DET OWL: HOO

BEAR: I DONT KNOW

DET OWL: HOO

BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!

a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip

The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.

5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?

How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years

that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker

batman: who do I see about this ticket?

cop: oh, I wrote it

batman: who tickets the batmobile!?

cop: you were illegally parked

batman: I was fighting crime!

cop: rules are rules

batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!

cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?

I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000

Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself

Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.

yes, those are my real potatoes.

little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies

Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.

You don’t care about me. You just want to see what’s under my shirt. it’s a ham. I’m smuggling a ham. Happy?

[At Wedding]

Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?

Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND

Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.

If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.

Who wants to be my Valentine?

Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”

A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.

Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes

Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.

I spend a lot of time alone

According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.

Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.

Me: I know, right?

REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?

ME: I did not realize that had started.

My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.

I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.

The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.

Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now

I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.