How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
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Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
Become ungovernable.
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.