How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
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My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
Who needs an Air Fryer?
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!