How times have changed.
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2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”