How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
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Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.