How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
You Might Also Like
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
subtitles are so good nowadays
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.