How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
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“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
What the hell is going on?
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
I need to update my racial profile.