How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
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DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
Many hands make light work
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
Butt weight. There’s more!
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
[loses house key, starts a new life]
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though