How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
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How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.