How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
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Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
#Caturday
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
Close call…
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better