How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
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If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?