How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
You Might Also Like
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
WHO DID THIS?
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.