@MittenDAmour

How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong

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@ginnyhogan_

HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan

@sad_tree

[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”

ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies

@frenziedlanes

Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….

3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week

@HomeWithPeanut

Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had

@DocBrown21

Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?

Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…

@FunnyBison

police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*

@kimtopher22

Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.

@AmishPornStar1

Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,

Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”

Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.

@ripstiklesbian

*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop

@mommy_cusses

Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?