How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
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If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.