How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
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The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
i’m still crying at this
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.