How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
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*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
So the ex texted me
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.