How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
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My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn鈥檛 notice when I haven鈥檛 moved my mouse in an hour.
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don鈥檛 know what crime they鈥檙e accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I鈥檓 finally the one kissing my cousin.
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
What鈥檚 an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there鈥檚 no room for a freezer to hide a body
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 馃槀馃ぃ
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I鈥檓 leaving
ME: please don鈥檛, I promise I鈥檒l change
WIFE: ok you鈥檝e got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
All I鈥檓 saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
The best plant holders?
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that鈥檚 shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There鈥檚 enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.