How to cure a headache

1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.

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I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.


VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me


“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”

— how the worm got its name


The body is 70% water..

So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..


Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.


Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.


Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat


I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car


[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man