@Elizasoul80 I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
@ericsshadow How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
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@Elizasoul80 
@fastmofobanshee Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
@Michael1979 VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
@fro_vo “hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
@NatashaNat24 The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
@PlopWaffle Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
@MoistPork Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
@Book_Krazy Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
@LnL245 I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
@bornmiserable [me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man