How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
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“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please