how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
You Might Also Like
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
Is this you?
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.