How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
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The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
😂💯
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
Herpes is trending, good job people
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.