How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
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Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
The fall of Netflix
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
Solving a traffic jam
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else