How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool

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I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.


I can’t find my toddler.

I can’t find the duct tape.

I’ve got a bad feeling about this.


[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one


A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is


*elbows date in ribs*

“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”

where it says “within reason?”

“that’s because of me”


[Job Interview]

Boss: What is your best trait?

Me: Procrastination.

B: How is that a positive?

M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.


And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…


“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”

*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*

“Screw this!”


People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.