How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
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Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.