@WashedUpTweeter I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
@_TayTayJustine How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
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@WashedUpTweeter 
@XplodingUnicorn I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
@robotrowboat [death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
@DCpierson A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
@murrman5 *elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
@Tmoney68 [Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
@AlottaInfo And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
@AnOrangeSNES “Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
@AnOrangeSNES Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
@bazecraze People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.