@_TayTayJustine

How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool

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@WashedUpTweeter

I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.

@XplodingUnicorn

I can’t find my toddler.

I can’t find the duct tape.

I’ve got a bad feeling about this.

@robotrowboat

[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one

@DCpierson

A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is

@murrman5

*elbows date in ribs*

“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”

where it says “within reason?”

“that’s because of me”

@Tmoney68

[Job Interview]

Boss: What is your best trait?

Me: Procrastination.

B: How is that a positive?

M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.

@AlottaInfo

And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…

@AnOrangeSNES

“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”

*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*

“Screw this!”

@bazecraze

People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.