How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
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Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
Me redecorating every room in my mind
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’