How to get a job on Game of Thrones:

Q: Can you act?

A: Sorta

Q: Will you get naked?

A: Yes


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Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.


My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder


[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you


SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.


[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.


Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.