How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
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Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No