@Smooheed

How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people

Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off

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@AimeeHelene1

To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.

@ShootyDoody

Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.

@ericsshadow

I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.

@ericsshadow

*orders pepperoni pizza*

Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.

*calls back, adds mushrooms*

@iamjohnsarris

My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.