How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
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So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
Fight
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.