How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
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Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!