How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
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Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
Happy Taco Tuesday
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
Is fake venison called venisn’t
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.