How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
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my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
Good advice.
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.