How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
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I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
Monday
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo