How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
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If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
August 8
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
Not my job 😂
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.