how to have an accident 101
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NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Hello, my name is Pierre.
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage