How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
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WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
A short story of betrayal:
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
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I still have Pringles?
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?