How to keep the seat next to you empty.
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“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
new wife guy just dropped
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.