HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
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Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my