How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
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Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.