How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
You Might Also Like
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
Care for your back
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
watergate? u mean a dam??
A dad and his duck
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.