@SirEviscerate

How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.

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@bourgeoisalien

I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.

@DamienFahey

The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.

@Stellacopter

I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.

@thehubrispanda

There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.

@ericsshadow

[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?

@kathypifer1

Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?

Librarian : They’re right behind you.

@BlackCatBettie

You and I share a very special connection.

*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.

@ThePoke

UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides

@NYC_Blonde

I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.

@OliveStuff

[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys