How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.

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I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.


The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.


I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.


There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.


[wife checking on me and the kids]
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?


Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?

Librarian : They’re right behind you.


You and I share a very special connection.

*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.


UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides


I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.


[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys