how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
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Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
What the dentist sees
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
If you need a laugh.. 😅