How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
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Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
Have a lovely day 😊
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
next level snooze
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef